A few days ago I posted a status that posed the question:
I posed this as a question but I already had a pretty good idea of the answer. I did this so I could start a conversation. I wanted other people who hadn’t yet thought about this to consider the subject.
There were some interesting comments as some people thought there were bigger issues such as ‘racism, poverty, and land dispossession of black people not issues of self hating persons’.
My friend, Maisha, seems to think that my entire argument was about getting white guys to date black girls…
He even said ‘black people who are rejected by their white love interests must just deal with it and love themselves.’
He’s funny.
The issues we are facing today are not abstract nor can they be viewed in that way. Context is key. We need to dig deeper and discover the ‘WHY’.
Unfortunately Maisha, missed my point again and argues:
I then tried to clarify my argument for him…
Despite all that… Maisha still had time to ‘summarise’ my argument for me
So, I would now like to summarise my actual argument for myself…
Maisha I hoped you’d be able to read with understanding but perhaps your preferences differ here, mate. The point I was trying to make was not that people should HAVE to get into interracial relationships in order to fix all our problems. The point I was trying to make was that preference is preference and should not be used as an excuse for racism.
Many people have pointed out what leads a person to prefer certain people, friends or partners over the next and it’s usually upbringing and environmental factors. These are socio-economic al and sometimes socio-political reasons. Both those include society and its influence over us. Now, let me lead you back to my argument… The lack of understanding and ignorance on each other is what brought on many (if not most) of our problems. Where do you think these weird superiority complexes that the initial colonisers had came from? They came to Africa and saw “different” they didn’t attempt to see it in that way but instead thought ‘inferior’, ‘savage’ and ‘lesser than’. If we all broadened our comfort zones and got to know people as people, regardless of race, sex, language, culture or economic status, our world would be a better place.
Our preferences are mostly based on what others have told us (with this being said I feel that I should mention that I strongly believe that “a smart person learns from their mistakes while an intelligent one learns from other people’s mistakes” I also believe that those who have an influence in our lives can sometimes use their powers for evil). So our parents, neighbours and congregations may tell us that something is wrong and unnatural when they themselves hide the same thing in their closet.
We may have been taught from the time we could talk that ‘black’ was to be associated with criminal activity, ‘white’ meant racist, ‘Indian’ meant curry and opportunist and ‘coloured’ meant confused and gangsterism. Growing up in such a diverse country should mean we have many more opportunities to meet ‘different’ not turn away from it in order to stay in our ‘comfort zones’ which could just be ‘an excuse for our inherent racism’. If your comfort zone was created by your parents, chances are it needs to go in for some repairs (and in some cases an entirely new zone is to be created).
I’m not asking people to join the swirl movement, I’m asking people to extend their comfort zones.
I already know the answer to my question… Preference becomes racism when you meet someone who checks all the boxes but because they’re the wrong shade you’re unwilling to go there with them.
People are people… Remember that the next time you interact with someone.
The Cost of a "Born-free" 
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Thank you for your thoughtful approach to things, Busi.
I don’t think preference can ever be racism – to put another slant on it – a male person who prefers dating female people and therefore won’t date another man, wouldn’t be guilty of homophobia. But if he goes out and beats up people, or otherwise discriminates against them because they’re gay – THEN he’s homophobic.
So Racism, like other -isms, is when you have a prejudicial attitude – leading to prejudicial, discriminatory behaviour – to someone of a different population group.
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Ha ha ha – it makes me crazy when I pose a question and someone insists on answering a different question, and then argues with me about whether or not I meant what I said I meant! I am impressed by your patience, Busi.
Thinking about your question, however … I think “preference” is different depending on context. If we’re choosing friends, we’re probably going to look for shared interests and an ability to enjoy spending time together. In a romantic relationship, physical attraction becomes an issue. If you’re considering doing business with someone, you want to know you have shared values in terms of work ethic and trustworthiness.
I believe that in every case, however, you’re going to start by looking for people who are more like you, or more like your “ideal”. You mentioned comfort zones … I think a big factor keeping people in their comfort zones is trusting communication. It’s so much easier to read non-verbal cues and nuance of language from people from a shared cultural background.
Often this gets translated to color, but really it’s not just a racial issue. When I moved to the US 17 years ago, I was shocked by how huge the gulf was between me and the (white) people around me. They didn’t find my jokes funny (and I found their jokes stupid). They were rude when I expected patience. They made assumptions about me that weren’t true. We looked the same, superficially we all spoke the same language, but the differences have sometimes seemed insurmountable. I can honestly say that even now it is easier for me to connect with a black South African than with many white Americans. But this doesn’t make me anti-American.
I think –ism happens when you choose to place a value on a person based on their color or religion or nationality or gender, and refuse to consider them as a whole person. You may, on considering the whole person, STILL not like them – because they kick dogs or eat with their mouth open or swear too much or are rude to waiters – and that wouldn’t be racist; that’s personal preference. But when you choose a friend or a romantic partner or a business partner because of their race, that’s racism. It’s racism even if you’re choosing for them instead of against them.
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